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As I discovered the concept of divorce coaching, I became intrigued at the concept after nearly twenty years serving as a custody evaluator in the courts. It was not that I learned anything new about the family court system, as I wrote a book “Contentious Custody: Is It Really in the Best Interest of Your Children?” over the past couple of years. But I loved the concept of parents, even those who don’t agree on parenting time issues, agreeing to self-direct their way, rather than someone having to tell them how it’s going to be for their family. After all, these are your children, and who knows better than the parents what is best for their children?

I proceeded last fall to enroll in a divorce coaching certification program, and I finally felt as though I had “come home” in my passion to serve children of divorce. The concepts and principles that form the foundation for the program are exactly what have been in my heart of hearts for years as I worked with separating and divorcing families, as well as blended families as they journeyed on down the road. Nevermind that I have a master’s degree in counseling and gerontology and a doctorate degree in forensic psychology, not that I did not gain a lot from the education I have, of course I did. But through my various training within the court system that taught me how to conduct a custody evaluation, never had I felt that the core of the approach was one that honored the people who divorces are really about, and that is the children. Divorce coaches can work with parties who do not have children, or whose children are grown, but my passion and the passion of a lot of us in this field is about the children and making life better for them as their family goes through this transition.

It is a sad fact that the family court system perpetuates the conflict, and sometimes the hard stance against a particular parent is warranted. But that is true much less often than what is occurring currently in our family court system. Parents are allowed to litigate every detail of their lives, to where a family barely resembles a family any more but, instead, looks like a business deal when all is said and done. These are families who, for whatever reason, could not remain intact, but that does not mean we have to slaughter the components just because the unit did not remain whole.

So where does coaching come into play? Parents going through separation or divorce are often vulnerable, and they are often easily persuaded to adopt a “winning” or “better deal” mentality, but what is “winning” or a “better deal” when it comes to your children? Coaching softens the approach, taking a hard stance against the things that make the “game” brutal. Bullies don’t succeed with this approach, because the mindset truly is on doing that which best serves the family members and, in particular, the children. When we choose to serve families, which is what coaching is really all about, we choose to honor the goodness within the family as a whole, as well as the individuals that make up that whole. We don’t prepare for battle, rather we set the table, as we are serving good people who simply weren’t good together, but who deserve goodness in the midst of a broken whole.

Our family court system desperately needs coaches and the coaching philosophy. Coaches honor the wishes of the parents, but champion the needs of the children. And their number one need is to be allowed to love both parents. The greatest gift you can give your children is permission to love both parents. As my tagline says, “Love your children more than you hate your ex”, and the coaching environment provides the opportunity for parents to do just that while they “negotiate their way to mutual agreement”. When this becomes an expectation rather than an elusive dream, we will have arrived in doing our job as coaches. I am honored to be a part of this movement. Won’t you join me in championing this cause??

~Dr. Marlene

A relatively new concept in the divorce arena is Child Inclusive Mediation. This process allows children’s feelings and viewpoints about their parents divorce to be heard without the child actually joining the mediation sessions. In this process, a child consultant first interviews the parents individually to gain their insights on the needs of the child.  The child consultant then interviews the child or children in the case and obtains their thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and concerns in regard to their parents’ divorce. The primary aspect of gaining the children’s opinions often centers around the parenting time plan itself, in other words the parenting time schedule. The child consultant then provides input and impressions to the parents and the mediator during the mediation session.  This way, the children are not burdened with having to say how they feel in the presence of both parents. Children should not be exposed to parent negotiations, yet this process allows their perspectives to heard within the mediation process.

As with any new idea or practice within the divorce arena, there are pros and cons to the concept and the practical application of it. Some children only open up to professionals when they have had the chance to establish rapport with them, and that takes longer for some children than for others. A child consultant will most likely not be able to see a child long enough to really establish trust and rapport with them. There are other limitations when a professional has not had the time to establish rapport with a child, such as not knowing when the child is saying all the right things, but are really wanting what they want for the wrong reasons. For example, in one of my cases on which I was the custody evaluator, there were two teenage girls who said they wanted more time with mother. Given the fact that one of the needs of the Adolescent stage of development is gender identification with the same-gender parent, when these girls said they wanted more time with mother because they could identify with her more, wanted to spend more time with her doing “girl” things, and that they could talk with their mother about peer problems and dating relationships, I initially believed them. They were saying all the right things. Later, however, I discovered from a friend of one of the girls who was present the day I conducted a home visit to mother’s home that the girls really wanted to spend more time with mother because mother allowed the girls to stay out with their friends later on the weekends, in fact she was allowing them to stay out past the legal curfew.  Only because of the time I spent with the family was I able to get to the bottom of why they wanted what they said they wanted. A child consultant is likely not going to be able to spend that kind of time with the children they serve.

The concept is still a great concept, and having some input from children is better than none. As with anything, participants need to recognize the limitations of the service and decide if it is right for their family and, specifically, for their children. Depending on the temperament of the child, including them in this capacity could be a positive and welcomed involvement, or it may have a negative impact on them. Children may feel as though they are being dragged into their parents’ conflict when they do not wish to be. It may cause children to feel as though they are being placed in the middle of the conflict between their parents. But for children who welcome the involvement and want to have input, child inclusive mediation offers a reasonable option for allowing their participation in the process and for their voices to be heard.

The next in the series of knowing your options for divorcing parents is the role of Divorce Coach. A relatively new role, the divorce coach is recognized by the American Bar Association (ABA) and may be the perfect route to go for the average person going through separation or divorce. The ABA defines the role of divorce coach on their website in this manner: “Divorce coaching is a flexible, goal-oriented process designed to support, motivate, and guide people going through divorce to help them make the best possible decisions for their future, based on their particular interests, needs, and concerns. Divorce coaches have different professional backgrounds and are selected based on the specific needs of the clients.”

A divorce coach can assess what is needed, or not needed, in your situation and guide you accordingly. Clients can include one or both parties, can include both men and women, and are typically people looking for support and guidance through the divorce process. Both during and after a divorce, clients often experience painful emotions and a loss of direction for their life.  They often do not feel whole for a period of time. It is the role of the divorce coach to support the client through this difficult time and to assist the client in creating an action plan that is solution-focused. Specifically, coaches can assist clients in establishing effective communications with their former partner and develop an effective co-parenting relationship with the other parent. This serves the needs of the children well, as the greatest threat of harm to the children of divorce is exposure to their parents’ conflict.

A divorce coach can assist clients in moving past the pain of divorce, from a place of brokenness to viewing themselves as whole and complete. The coach serves to increase the self-confidence of the client, separating emotions from legal issues that must be addressed, and overcoming the barriers that often prevent parties from moving forward. The transition from married life to being single again, especially for people in long-term marriages, is often difficult, and for those who did not choose the divorce, it may be viewed only negatively. A divorce coach can identify the benefits of being single and help the party move on. Lastly, the divorce coach can assist the client or clients, if working with both parties, to set clear co-parenting goals. Divorcing parents often do not know the pitfalls of co-parenting, and a good divorce coach can make your life much easier moving forward by identifying the things that will cause you difficulty if not addressed up front.

The money spent on a divorce coach is well worth the cost if it saves you from spending thousands of dollars each on attorneys and/or the different types of evaluations that may be encouraged or suggested to the divorcing parent. It also creates a healthier legacy for your children, who also did not choose to have this happen in their lives. The goal of the coach is to make this as healthy a process as possible while moving toward an amicable outcome. And this is in everyone’s best interest.

~Dr. Marlene

This probably applies to many different businesses and professions, but for those going through divorce or separation, it is imperative to know your options for services before you spend money needlessly on services that you don’t want and really do not need.  The first thing we think, or hear from others, is that you need a good divorce attorney.  There are cases in which this is true, but there are many services that people are unaware of that a divorcing parent should know about and perhaps consider first before making a decision about who to hire.

Even if a divorcing parent is going to use an attorney, don’t use or pay for more than you need.  There are limited-representation attorneys, who will assist you with the paperwork you need to file your action and guide you through the process.  They typically do not go to court with you or formally represent you, because often that is not necessary.  But they will make sure that you don’t make a mistake and ensure that you do not wander blindly through the process.  Sometimes paralegals can guide parents through the process, as long as they are careful not to give legal advice or cross that line into what would be considered practicing law.

Often, however, people are guided into engaging in assessments or evaluations that are unnecessary and only serve to hike up the cost for the consumer.  Parenting time evaluations, commonly known as custody evaluations, are often requested unnecessarily.  Likewise, financial or property evaluations are often requested, and there is more money spent on the evaluation that what the parties have to share.  Dividing assets is often done by a formula, as with child support and maintenance, and it is as simple as plugging in the numbers.  A meeting with a parenting time or financial expert is a better way to spend your money than to engage in the process of a full evaluation.  The experts in these areas can advise you as to whether or not a full-blown evaluation is needed.  If a parent has mental health issues, alcohol and drug problems, or anger management deficits, then a full evaluation may be appropriate.  But often that is not the case, and a custody evaluation can cost thousands of dollars.

A relatively new role, a divorce coach, is recognized by the American Bar Association and may be the perfect route to go for the average person going through separation or divorce.  A divorce coach can assess what is needed, or not needed, in your situation and guide you accordingly.  The money spent on a divorce coach is well worth the cost if it saves you from spending thousands of dollars on each of the different types of evaluations that may be encouraged or suggested to the divorcing parent.

Parents going through divorce or separation are emotionally vulnerable at this time, and making decisions about major aspects of the divorce process may be overwhelming.  Finding a good, practical professional to assist you through this process may be well worth your time and money.  Consider this resource before you find yourself led down costly and unnecessary paths on the way to finalizing your divorce.

~Dr. Marlene

The emotional difficulty of divorce has long been recognized for the individual going through it, as well as on other family members of the person experiencing divorce or separation.  But what about the effects of divorce in the workplace?  Given that it is an emotionally difficult process, it stands to reason that the effects of an individual going through divorce is going to spill over into the workplace and affect many of the people around the person going through it, especially in the early stages of separation.

To begin with, the person is often emotionally distraught and not focused on work, that is generally a given at this particular time.  Often, however, others fail to recognize some of the residual effects of divorce on the person, such as on their self-esteem and on their confidence.  Certain jobs, such as sales, require a high level of confidence, which for the person going through divorce can be shaken.  Additionally, the person is going to experience financial stressors, as there are now two households to support with the same amount of income.  People get used to a certain style of living that often cannot be maintained throughout the divorce process.  On top of that, there are now often attorney fees to cover that can be exorbitant if one is not careful or if the parties choose to fight about every little thing.

How can you best support your employee or co-worker going through divorce?  The following five ideas can make your life, as well as theirs, better through this process.

 1—Be supportive of what they are going through.  Anticipate that they will need some time off from work to attend things such as mediation, hearings, and settlement conferences.  Try to help pick up the slack, knowing that you may find yourself in a position some day of needing support.

2—Be a good listener.  Often what someone going through separation or divorce needs more than anything else is just to vent.  They are probably receiving plenty of advice from a variety of sources.  Good listeners are often in short supply, though.

 3—Don’t take behaviors they might exhibit personally.  Persons going through divorce are often angry and resentful.  Those emotions are often misdirected to those around the person on a day-in, day-out basis.  Remind yourself that they are going through a difficult time and that their anger is not really directed at you.

4—Remind the person to focus on their children, if there are children involved.   Thinking of one’s children often helps the person to focus their attention in the right direction, and serves as a good reminder that the children are really what matter in this situation.

 5—Point the person in the right direction.  When you can see that they need help outside of their friends and family, offer some suggestions for resources, such as counseling or a divorce recovery group.  The person going through divorce is often too overwhelmed by all the changes to even think to look up resources for him or herself.

The effect on the workplace of someone going through divorce or separation can be profound.  As difficult as this time can be for everyone who spends significant time around the individual, it is most difficult for the one going through it, and they need the support and understanding of others in their lives.  Do your part to be the kind of co-worker you would want if you were the one going through a difficult time.  It not only takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to support people throughout the ups and downs of life!

~Dr. Marlene

Regardless of the relationship that you’re in, it is smart to pick your battles wisely.  But this could never be more true than in the relationship between separated or divorced parents.  Just as with parents who are still together, parents who are no longer together are not going to agree on everything.  But co-parents who are no longer together must try to agree on things having to do with their children without having the benefit of being in the same household, with the biggest difference being that they are unable to really have any influence over what happens in the other parent’s household.

This is the first issue that co-parents living in separate households have to recognize, is the fact that they have little to no control over what happens in the other parent’s home.  Each parent is the head of their own household and, as a result, is allowed to make decisions within that household without asking permission from the other parent.  This includes, but is not limited to, decisions on chores, rules, allowances, television watching, video games, bedtimes, homework, food and clothing.  This is not to say that parents have no recourse if things are happening in the other home that are harmful to the children.  For example, if children are showing ill effects from watching programs or playing games that are not age-appropriate, the other parent may ask the court to require that both parents observe the age-appropriate rating guidelines for television, video games, or other media, and the court will likely grant their request.  However, it will be up to the parent requesting such restriction to prove to the court that such exposure is indeed harmful to the child.  For the most part, however, each parent is going to have little control over what happens in the other household, and often they will cause more dissention with the other parent by raising the issue than what it is worth.

Neither parent is going to win every battle they have with the other parent, and neither is going to have everything go their way in a co-parenting situation.  That is why it is important to choose your battles wisely.  It is important to identify what things reallymatter to you as a parent, and what things you are willing to bend on.  The idea is to never place yourself in a position to have to make a major concession.  Again, never place yourself in a position to have to make a major concession.  If you try to win every little argument that comes along, you may find yourself in a position of having to make a major concession.  One suggestion is to rank the importance of matters that you know will become an issue between you and the other parent, and know what things you are willing to bend on, and what things you may just have to “dig your heels in” about.  Remind yourself as you negotiate your way through some of the “lesser” issues that there are more important things that matter to you than whatever the issue is at the time.  Stop and ask yourself, is this issue really that important, or is this one that I can perhaps bend on a little or give in on?  And gauge your responses accordingly, while you’re in the negotiating process with your co-parent.

Just remember, you’re not going to win every battle.  If you end up having to have the court, or perhaps a mediator, resolve the issue for you, they may look at the “scorecard” between the two of you.  If you have “won” many of the battles along the way, you may be at a disadvantage when it comes to something that really matters to you.  Just remember to give in when the issue is something that really doesn’t matter.  Because not everything is life or death in these situations, but some things really do matter to you.  Weigh the importance of this particular issue, and devise your game plan accordingly.  You’re not going to win every battle.  But, bottom line, never place yourself in a position to have to make a major concession.  You might win some battles along the way, but when you make a major concession, you are going to feel like you have lost the war.

~Dr. Marlene

There is an art to writing an effective parenting plan for separated or divorced parents, with many details to be considered.  In fact, one could write an entire book on this topic.  There are many details to consider, and every family has unique aspects to their lives that need to be taken into consideration when devising the plan that works for them.  There are a few considerations, however, that seem to apply across the board, and that will make your plan more effective if you are aware of them as you develop your plan.  The following three are ones that seem to be “top of the list” of things to consider:

 1 – Maximize both parents’ available time to be with the children.  In other words, refrain from asking for parenting time when you are not available to spend that time with your children.  All this will do is add to your tasks because you must find alternate care for your children, and will frustrate your children, who were planning on spending this time with you, not a friend, relative or neighbor of yours.

 2 – Work together, taking your children’s needs and activities into consideration when writing your plan.  If you have several children with competing activities, and perhaps they have to be across town for different activities at the same time, you are not going to be able to manage this by yourself.  In the best interest of your children, develop a cooperative and effective co-parenting relationship in which to manage the many commitments and responsibilities that your children have.  If you have the attitude that it is “your parenting time and you can figure it out on your own”, you can expect to get the same in return when the time comes that you need help managing schedules.

3 – Be flexible.  If the situation calls for you to give up some of your parenting time in order to meet everyone’s needs, be willing to do so.  And be willing to do so without keeping track of every single hour that your children spend with the other parent.  The idea is to manage your lives in a way that makes sense for everyone rather than sticking strictly to your identified parenting time plan.  Your parenting plan should be a road map that you can deviate from when the circumstances call for it, knowing there are other routes to take and more than one good way to get from point A to point B.  It becomes cumbersome to try to keep track of every time you missed an hour or two, or an evening, with your child.  Your children won’t remember the time lost with you or spent with the other parent, but they will remember that you were flexible with one another and worked together, in their best interest.

Taking a few simple considerations into mind when developing your parenting time plan can make all the difference in the world.  Most importantly, remember to keep the needs of your children first and foremost in your mind.  You cannot go wrong when you make them the force that guides your actions.

~Dr. Marlene

Divorce is a death which one must grieve.  Often others in our lives fail to recognize it as a loss like they do death, thus impeding our ability to grieve.  It takes the average person two years to work through divorce, especially if it was a longer marriage of seven years or more.

The person who rushes back into marriage or a relationship too soon misses an important growth opportunity.  This can be a time of personal growth, during which we gain insight and grow as a human being.  One has to unpack following the demise of a marriage or relationship.  We have to look carefully at what went wrong and why, what we were feeling at the time, and the mistakes we made.  Our tendency is to pack away bad memories and feelings.

One needs to work through the emotions involved in the ending of a relationship.  These emotions may include guilt, depression, anxiety, self-hatred, loneliness, fear, confusion, bitterness, and jealousy.  Neither person in divorce avoids pain.  The “rejecter” experiences feelings of guilt, and the rejected person often feels the pain of being rejected or abandoned.

A person needs to reintegrate back into “oneness” before moving on to another relationship.  We don’t make good decisions if we jump right back in – and often choose mates for the wrong reasons.  Taking time also facilitates a more positive relationship with our ex-partner, which can be critical if children are involved.  In addition, we don’t allow children time to adjust to the change in their lives if we move too quickly into another relationship.

Finding a new partner after a relationship has ended is a great temptation, as it alleviates our feelings of loneliness.  But this alleviation may only be temporary and may lead to even greater problems in the new relationship.  There are many reasons to take your time and wait before entering into another relationship.  No one has been hurt by taking a little extra time and caution.

~Dr. Marlene

In this age of blended families being more common than traditional “intact” families, there cannot be enough said about being an effective and appropriate stepparent.  There is an art to being a good stepparent, and often stepparents err on one side or the other, of either being uninvolved with their stepchildren, or over-inserting themselves into the lives of their stepchildren, often causing resentment and frustration.  I often say in court cases for which I served as an evaluator that stepparents are often the greatest asset to the family they are now attached to, or they are the biggest problem, causing turmoil and angst among the biological family members.

The following three suggestions for being a good stepparent are offered to those wishing to maintain good stepfamily relations:

1. Know your place as a stepparent. Recognize that you can be a great addition to the family, as long as you are not trying to replace the parent whose position you now fill within the family.  Children have loyalty to their parents, being sensitive to the fact that the children may experience torn loyalties, perhaps by letting them know that they cannot have enough adults in their lives who love them, can ease the stepchild’s dilemma of whether it is permissible to love you or not.  Be aware of the child’s sensitivity to the absent parent’s feelings, too.  Some children will want to call a stepparent by a term of endearment, but be sensitive to the fact that this may cause emotional hurt to the parent if they should hear the child call you by a term typically reserved for parents, which in turn exacerbates the child’s feelings of torn loyalties.  Allow the child to decide what they want to call you, or come up with another name that they can call you that is still a term of endearment but not “mommy” or “daddy”, such as “papa” for a stepfather.  This will serve to eliminate the issue of torn loyalties within the child.  Best practice is to refrain from telling a child they HAVE to call a stepparent by a certain name, but not telling them that they CAN’T.  Let them call you what they are comfortable calling you.
2. Leave things such as enforcing discipline to the biological parent. There are certain things that stepparents need to allow the biological parent to do.  Clarify with the biological parent who is now your significant other what parenting tasks you will help with and what will be left only to the biological parent to provide.  Physical discipline, in particular, should never be provided by a stepparent, even if your significant other says it is ok for you to do that.  Most likely the other parent in the equation will not agree, and it generally is not considered to be a stepparent’s place to provide physical discipline, if physical discipline is utilized at all.
3. Treat your stepchildren the way you would want a stepparent to treat your children. Be sensitive to the fact that this is a learning process for everyone, and it may take a child awhile to warm up to you or to accept you in the role you now fill within the family.  It will not happen overnight, and often children misplace feelings of hurt or resentment toward a stepparent, rather than toward the biological parents, where the feelings really belong.  Children often erroneously believe that if you were not there, their parents would get back together.  Do not take it personally, and do not try to force their feelings of adoration toward you, or tell them the “truth” about negative qualities of the absent parent.  The child’s positive feelings toward you will be earned over time when you provide support and understanding to what they are going through.

There is an art to being a good stepparent, but it is worth the effort.  Keep the simple, basic principle of the Golden Rule in mind, and treat others the way you would want others to treat you, or to treat your children if they were the stepchildren in the situation.  Be sensitive to the children’s needs and feelings.  A little anticipation will go a long way in making your blended family a success!

~Dr. Marlene

Too often, people who find themselves in the middle of a divorce or separation from their significant other think that the process has to be contentious or conflictual.  This seems to especially be true for situations in which children are involved.  People, including the parties themselves, often believe that the parents are expected to behave in an uncivilized manner toward one another, after all they are going through separation and/or divorce, so they have to be nasty and hateful toward one another, don’t they?  It is a fact of life that there is no greater battle in one’s life than the battle over one’s children.  For some parents, the concern is genuinely in regard to the children, and in doing that which is in the best interest of the children.  But for others, it becomes a contest that is more about winning than it is about what is truly best for the children.

Separation and divorce, however, does not have to be this way, and often parties do not behave in an ugly and hateful manner.  Some parents, even those who may have great disdain for one another, perhaps due to betrayal or rejection, seem to be able to set those feelings aside and handle the matter at hand in a cooperative and peaceful manner.  What is it that causes some parents to be able and willing to do so?  The answer is simple.  These parents focus on the needs of their children, first and foremost.  The child becomes the central focal point of the realigning of the family, rather than focusing on the other parent and all of the, undoubtedly, awful things that have happened leading up to the separation.

Is it really that simple??  Let’s just say, it can be, if people choose to keep this one simple principle in mind, and that is that the decisions that need to be made at this time have to do with the needs of the child or children in the case, not the needs of the parents.  To say that it is simple is not to say that it is easy, for that it is not!  But it becomes much easier, with each step that is taken and every decision that is made, when the focus is on the ones who really matter in this situation, and that is the children.  Three concepts can make keeping the focus on the child easier, when parents will keep these considerations in mind.

1. The child has not had time to process this, so whereas you have prepared yourself for the separation for perhaps weeks or months, or even years, the child has not had the opportunity to do so, and they need their parents to be sensitive to their need to process the many changes they will face.
2. There was something that you liked about the other parent at the time you met them, even though you may be very angry with them at this time.  Think back to the good you saw in them at the time you made a commitment to them, and it will be easier to place your feelings toward them now in the proper perspective.
3. The children involved, especially younger children, derive their identity from their parents.  They do not have an identity of their own yet, and they gained whatever identity they have from their parents.  They are made up both of their parents.  When you put down the other parent, or focus on all of their faults, you are putting down the child, as well. This, in turn, has the capability of destroying their self-esteem and diminishing their self-worth.

Focusing on the child, not yourself or, especially, the other parent, enables you to handle divorce in a dignified way.  You have to love your children more than you dislike the other parent at this point in time.  Set a good example for your children by remembering that the best thing that came out of the union was the children, and it’s important to preserve this most valuable asset.  The best example you can set is to be the bigger person, and the greatest gift you can give your children is to allow them to love the other parent.  This manner of handling divorce maintains dignity for all.

~Dr. Marlene